33 going on 30 going on 13

The subtitle is a question. How do you feel correctly aged. I found my 30th October today and it's been an interesting day so far. I was proven wrong about the friends that remember me and that left me with a smile all day.

One of my oldest friends, someone I cherish dearly, called and we spoke about age and our wanderings through the years. And as often happens when speaking with people that know you at a resonant level, you admit things to them that you often don't to yourself. I told this friend of this peculiar kind of relief I felt to have finally turned 30. It is quite surprising to me that I felt this relief during one of the hardest spells of my life. I've been in therapy for a while talking about this complete lack of agency and fear of the future. But there was the other side of me, who at 15 decided that 30 would have been too much to live to. At 21,I couldn't bear the notion of one more day. At 25, while agonizing over thinning hair, wondered if I was going to be forced to live to see 30. At 27, already start grieving that 3 decades of my life had passed without an impact or much great remark. Today at 30, I woke up feeling like I got a few years back.

Maybe one day "I" and my "am" will make a good coherent synchronous sentence. I found some hope today.